A New Day

Well here I am.  Australia.  Home of the wild Aussies, awesome accents, vast outbacks and the most poisonous snakes and spiders in the world.  Sure they speak English, sort of, but I feel like an outsider.  The last time I was nervous as I got off a plane was 14 years ago.  What am I doing here?  Then I noticed the day; September 9th.  Just September 9th for most of the world.  But for 25 years, this was a really special day for me; Rosh Hashana.

The Jewish new year.  I remember the days, either in my hometown or in the schools as I grew up.  It is a time for introspection, and cultivation of self awareness.  We look at ourselves in the mirror and see all that should be and, hopefully, all that really is.  We flagellate ourselves then look to a new dawn, a new self.  It doesn't matter what religion you associate with, if at all.  We all have a time on the calendar where we look ourselves in the mirror and make commitments, promises, and threats to ourselves.  Some are little things, some big; most, despite their size, are castles in the sky.  In the past I've made countless commitments.  Get in better shape, eat better, find a new job, go back to school, get more involved in altruistic activities, stop singing Miley Cirus songs in my head.  Sometimes there is a slight improvement, but usually these commitments are distant memories within weeks.

Its really easy to forgive yourself or forget those commitments altogether.  At least its easier to do that then to actually change.  Once we leave our 'formative years' (unfortunately its rare to find a someone who can prolong their formative years much past the age of 20), we become creatures of our own habit.  Those habits push us down a path that, the further along you are, becomes ever more irrevocable.  

I have been a prime example of the quintessential creature of habit.  People have asked me what prompted me to get up and leave my life behind.  Why am I 'running away' from everything I know and love?  I still love NYC, love my friends and family there.  Yet all the things I love have become intertwined with a self that I no longer wanted to be.  Its easy to say 'just make this small change' and build on it from there.  How does one change the habits that define who you are?  Is that a small change?  Its not just 'eating a salad for lunch' type change.  Do I stop going to my friend's place at nights for BBQs and beer?  Do I turn my back on friends who I hold dearly and love to hang out with?  The more I looked at myself, the more trapped I felt in my world. 

As I looked at what I wanted to change about myself, I realized that these habits had become entirely intertwined with my essence.  It was impossible for me to separate them and address them individually.  I needed to change who I was.  Start over completely.  On June 22nd I made the first step.  Left everything behind and started to make changes I'd been yearning to make for years.  I was taking baby steps as I created new paths for my life to follow.  When I started, I didn't really know where I wanted to end up.  Its easy to come up with the negative aspects one wants to change from.  But what exactly do we want to change to?  Where do we want to end up?  What are my ideals, the ones that should drive me and define me?  I was so unhappy with myself, I couldn't even see those things.


Here I am now, in Australia.  A new world, a new way of life.  I am not looking at myself and deciding what aspects I want to change over the year.  I feel untethered to the person, habits and all, that I was.  I am now choosing what path I want to follow in my life.  I may not have changed so dramatically yet, but I have gotten better pictures of where I want to go.  I'm sure there will plenty of false steps and failed adventures.  But for the first time in my life I feel like I am in full control of the path called 'my life.'  It's exhilarating.